#breakup #suffering #postbreakuptips #healing #love #relationship #brokenheart #moveon
Denying the suffering or ignoring the torments of the doubts arisen will definitely not help you move on for real. It might, apparently, but deep inside you will keep the wound untreated. There’s no reason a break-up should leave you damaged and let you carry ugly scars for the rest of your life, compromising your next chances to be happy and dare to love again.
Beside letting your friends cheer you up, to help your way back into a joyful life, make sure you address your deepest questions: introspect, and consider these 10 points honestly:
1/ “What about our happy long-lasting relationship?... It can’t possibly be over! I can’t seem to accept the split!"
You’ve been seeing yourself as his girlfriend/her boyfriend for so long that you can’t picture yourself out of the relationship.
But you need to understand that you are not ‘the relationship’ itself, you are one complete identity apart from it. So that’s not the end of you, but just the end of ‘you+him/her = something’! You’re still one, as complete as you were born!
The breakup proved that you+him/her was not a happy match to last (fact), which just means that you’ve regained now your whole identity for yourself. Good news! Time to be fully free and commit in what you really like for yourself!
Don’t give in to the wrong belief that you’ve lost a half of you; you’re still complete, even more than before! Because your identity is no longer "diminished" by the compromises of being part of a couple! Consider you’re back to being 100% yourself instead. Time to remember everything you liked to do without him/her and stopped doing since you had settled together… Back to the activities you love, listening to your favorite music that your ex didn’t like, watching your own style of movies, planning what you like in your agenda, seeing who you want to see! Reassess your sole and complete identity.
2/ “How could our strong, heartfelt love be dumped to trash like that?"
The drama and hurting words of a break-up between a couple might let you think that your love was wasted, abused, denied, ignored or rejected.
But don’t focus on the last painful words spoken in anger; remember instead all the time your partner has been staying with you and sharing love and happiness. These moments have not vanished: they did happen! Love between you both might be dead now for some reason, but it doesn’t mean you were never loved! You have been your partner’s choice for long enough, so obviously you were worth it! As much as you will be worthy of love for someone else in your future life.
Don’t believe your love was worthless or wasted as it seems to be rejected now; but remember it was counting and meaningful to your ex for long enough.
Your ex has been attracted in you and staying with you for some reasons, even though they need something different from now on. People change at different points in their life. Your partner is not at the point to love you and commit to you anymore, but in the same time someone else might just be at the point to do so. Every one seeks different things at different times! Don’t take the breakup as a complete rejection of who you are; your ex just needed a different path for the future.
3/ “I can’t forget my ex. I still see him/her everywhere, and it hurts. I still see a part of me in him/her, that I hardly grieve..."
Yes, you’re going to see your ex-partner again, or hear about them; you can’t erase them 100% from the map! They will go on living their life. (Do I need to precise that of course you already avoid watching your old pictures or following them on social media? Spare yourself the torture of painful memories and constant reminders.) Then you think it will hurt every time he/she happens to cross your way again, and that so, your wound can never heal.
Consider this: the ‘part of you’ that you see in them, it was just the projection of your hopes and plans, that you placed on them at the time. But now that you know these hopes and plans are not valid anymore, take your projection back out of them! Project them somewhere else.
Consider your ex just as the new single identity they are now, without you. He/She’s not the one he/she was with you anymore, but a new person now, that doesn’t relate to you. See the difference. You both will now have different plans and different interests, each one in their own direction. Let them be on their own; there’s nothing left of you in that new person.
Your dreams, hopes and plans are still in you! Just re-target them! Re-think what you’re dreaming of and willing to achieve, plan your new life out of him/her, and you will not ‘see yourself’ anymore in your ex!
Soon enough, you’ll realise that the road you ex has taken is definitely not one you’d have liked to go on, and that you much prefer the personal one you’ve chosen now! He/she will change, and so will you. Don’t hold back to a time that’s not valid anymore now.
4/ “I can’t get over what he/she did to me! I feel so bitter and angry!”
Your ex might have done something that you find unforgivable, and you suffer from knowing he/she’s out there in the world getting away with it freely, apparently ‘doing all right’, while you’ve been hurt badly. You might be waiting for apologies that will never come, or constantly thinking about how he/she should pay for it. Or you think your ex broke up with you for some wrong reasons, and keep wishing he/she would realise it and regret. But anyway, what’s done is done. Whether your ex admits it or not, will apologize or not, you have suffered already. So don’t waste your life suffering more in frustration or expectations, hoping for reparation! Apologies wouldn’t change a thing, nor erase the pain you’ve felt.
The only point you need to focus on is minding your own business and starting your own new life, with new plans for your happy future. And that doesn’t include him/her anymore. Let your ex carry the burden of what they did to you! They will have to deal with their own feelings of guilt or regrets, and face their responsibility one day or another. But anyway you’re absolutely able to live your life now without bothering about this. Not your problem!
Forgive your ex: not for them, out of charity, but just symbolically in your own mind, for yourself! Let go of the past and don't hold grudges: Allow yourself to be relieved from frustration and regrets, to go light and free! For your own peace of mind and right to focus on happiness! Holding grudges causes bitterness, and it’s only bad for your health!
If your ex did own conscience trouble them, while you’ve already moved on happily!
5/ “How to deal with our mutual friends, and interact with people again?"
You might feel very embarrassed regarding the friends or acquaintances you were seeing with your ex, and terribly afraid of gossips or awkward situations, then you’re tempted to withdraw from the world…
Just make sure you simply inform the persons that count for you that you broke up, with your honest version of the fact, (as simple or detailed as you will consider needed). Then let everyone be responsible to understand what they can. If some people need to ask you more questions to understand, you will answer them. If they don’t ask, and misjudge you behind your back, then simply ignore it. It means these people are not so valuable to you. Trust that you will see your real friends and the people that really matter by seeing who will understand and support you. These people are all you need to focus on!
The rest of the world can gossip or misunderstand you and pick sides, that’s their own problem and decision. You continue to live your life, meet the people you want, go to the places you want. Don’t avoid any situation for the fear of others’ reactions. You might assume wrong and waste the chance of a good surprise! For you, it seems a challenging thing to see your ex’s mutual friends, as the new single you are, but they can easily take things into consideration and would most likely have no problem with still seeing you.
You might loose some people who will choose your ex’s side, which is not a real loss because it means these people were not a good match for you. Or you might keep mutual friends that will be seeing you both, for the person each one of you is now, and that’s fine. And you will surely make even closer friends by seeing who’s there to stand for your support. Coming out with a traumatic break-up often leads to open up more with some people, and then build stronger friendships in the way. Don’t fear to meet anyone because of the break-up!
6/ “How can I manage without my ex, practically, through everyday life?”
Sometimes you will find yourself in trouble to deal with material, financial or practical things of the daily life. Things that your ex was dealing for you or helping you with. For example, there were the one cooking, or taking care of the accounting, or knowing all the tips for this or that, or they were the sociable one, creative one, bringing you to nice activities… And now you feel unable on your own. But just because your partner was doing these things for you, doesn’t mean you can’t learn and do them by yourself. See here a great chance for you to grow, improve your skills, and become more independent.
The positive side of it is that you will feel greatly empowered by rediscovering your abilities, find new strengths you ignored, and more pride in being back in control of your own challenges. There’s also no shame in asking for some friends’ help in case of need; in fact if you ask the right person, they will be happy to help. Your break-up didn’t let you alone to solve your problems: there’s a lot of people around in your life. And you will see that you’re always able to find a solution for everything, if you open your mind to consider new ways and new perspectives. Things will be done differently now, but they will be done. Everyone can adapt. Trust your own ability to grow.
7/ “I still believe my ex was my best soulmate… can’t believe I will find this again in anybody else!”
Naturally when you have spent most of your love life with this person, or long enough lately, you are bound to believe they were ‘The One’. You can’t picture yourself with someone else, and so you fear to stay alone for the rest of your days…
But you are just deceived here by your habits: it’s because you have grown such a level of intimacy and complicity with this person for years, that you think they are the only one and closest option for you. Though you definitely can re-grow intimacy and complicity with another person, if you just open your mind to get to know someone else.
Go back to dating, meeting people, making new friends, consider every new people around you. You will realise that there are also other qualities and interests that your ex didn’t have, that you might enjoy in other people. Each person in your life, friend or lover, brings you something different anyway! There is no logic in thinking only one person wears the label “the One”! Don’t be afraid to date and allow yourself to have several new lovers, taking things lightly, without the pressure of finding the next “perfect One”! Because that’s actually the best exercise to get to know what you really like or dislike in a partner. You will see and compare what really counts for you, what you could or couldn’t compromise on.
By flirting, you will also regain your self-esteem and trust your power of seduction again, which is a good boost for your ego after enduring a feeling of rejection!
Then if you find a good match, you will naturally have time to get to know each other and develop new stories, new jokes, new mutual interests, build memories… That’s how “The One” is made! You will make them The One if you like! The feeling of ‘soulmate’ is built over time, by sharing happy moments together, and both wanting to commit at the same time; that’s all!
8/ But don’t rush into a new relationship to fix your broken heart, out of the panic to stay alone!
Sometimes you will very quickly fall for a new partner after your recent break-up, because the burden of feeling left alone is too hard to carry. Then you’d rather hand your broken heart over to the first caring and loving person you meet… Sure, you’ve been hurt by your ex, then it’s so soothing to feel loved and welcome on a new shoulder. Then you jump in and think you’re in love again. But there are 2 big red flags to see here:
- The new person might get your love and interest just because they play the ‘nurse’ and put a patch on your wound; they bring you comfort when you need it, with reassuring words and the healing balm of affection, care, or the romance and excitement that you lacked from your ex in the end. But what about when you start feeling better, strong again, and don’t need to cry anymore? When you’re not in need to be comforted anymore? Will that person still be of any interest for you? Will they be a real good match, apart from filling in your loneliness? You will need to have more to share than that, to make it a worthy relationship on the long run.
- Plus, jumping into a new relationship to feel in love again, and avoid the pain of being single is a really bad substitute for a real self-healing. It’s a trap of the mind. Your new love might put a patch on the trauma from your past break-up, but not heal it. You will keep a big ugly scar that threatens to reopen anytime and constantly through your life, if you haven’t taken the time to treat it properly. Your new lover might seem great, but cannot be your medicine. They shouldn’t fill in any void that you haven’t tried to fix yourself first. You’ll have to address anyway the doubts arisen from the break-up, understand the reasons of your relationship's ending, acknowledge what caused you to suffer, consider who you’ve become now, from this experience, who you want to re-grow as, independently of any partner, for yourself. Face your fears and personal challenges, re-define your personal goals and projects, regain your self-esteem, rebuild your own strength, to make sure that what you will find in a new partner, really comes as a bonus in your life, not as a need.
So, before you’re sure to feel absolutely complete and to know where you’re going with your personal life, I would recommend you to take it easy with relationship plans: keep flirting and dating if you need, but keep things light with a honest "safety distance": Don’t directly project all your needs and expectations on someone new, until you really know where you stand on your own. This will prevent you from falling for a wrong partner, which would only hurt even more, adding up to your past break-up.
9/ “Alright, I’m Ok now, facing my new life as a single, but still it’s hard to be happy alone every day!"
…and then you sometimes think about texting your ex again? Start imagining you could go back together?... Big mistake! Delete their number from your phone, if you feel too weak!
Surely, at some point you start enjoying the perks of being single, doing what you want at home in your favorite home-wear, ordering pizza when you want with no-one judging you… or going out with who you want, travel when you want; that’s a lot of fun and freedom. But still, some days will be harder… You will have moments of weakness, lonely times when you feel you might miss your ex. But this is an illusion! Only your mind tricking you: What you actually miss, is the feeling of complicity and affection you had with them at a time in the past, not your ex themselves. In weak or emotional times, your mind will recall the memories of satisfaction you had with your ex, which makes you feel they might be comforting right now. But they wouldn’t be, in any way! There’s a good reason why you’ve broken up, why each of you has taken a different path, and you‘re both really different now than when you were together. Meeting your ex again would just feel terribly awkward and disappointing in the best case, or hurting and harmful in the worst case. You don’t want to bring back the trauma of what has caused your split, or be reminded of why the love was dead!
See the difference: what you miss now is just affection, complicity, the feeling of someone who cares, but not your ex. It’s not in them that you should find it, just because you have no perspective of who else you could think of, right now!
Calling your ex seems to be the easy solution, because you believe that’s someone you can get love from, as they've already given you love before. But that’s wrong: you’ve already lost the "enduring" love, since it failed to your relationship: so don’t let the weakness of affective needs blind you on that fact. You must firmly remind yourself that you have to seek love, affection or care in someone new!
Learn to create affective bonds with other persons, to fulfil your needs: re-focus to feel love and care from your family for example, or from your closest friends, and to find comfort and complicity in friendship. Cure your anxiety of feeling lonely with a group activity, or treat yourself with "self-care" through a spa or a massage. And if you just need some hot cuddles at night, you'd better meet a hook-up or go on a new date, for pleasure only: no strings attached, no drama!
Learn to identify your real needs, but don’t mistake them for the need of your ex! You must cut off any projection or illusion about them. That’s just you, being tempted by facility, out of the laziness or fear to build it again with someone new! Instead of thinking about your ex, focus on addressing those fears or laziness that prevent you from meeting someone else, and work on this!
If you’ve considered all these points, you should feel able to move on free and happy already! And brave enough to trust in a new future.
And I guarantee you one thing: in the depressive times of a recent break-up, you are so blinded by your pain that you have no idea of all the great surprises Life still has to unfold for your future. But after a few months, eventually, you will come to even joke about your break-up, as a distant memory, considering how very much happier you are now!
It’s very likely that the suffering from a break-up will turn over time into a wonderful chance to start a new life, see new goals, and achieve new dreams!
Because the end of something is just an open door to new beginnings!
And learning from your failures only can drive you to make better choices in the future!
10/ But if you still feel getting over your ex is much more complicated than that, you might need some extra help:
Maybe you have experienced a seriously traumatic relationship or break-up, that takes much more to recover from. Maybe you have been deeply traumatised by an abusive relationship, or by a manipulative, destructive partner that have left you severely damaged inside.
The key is to talk about what you’ve experienced: Open up about it with some close friends, colleagues, family, and if you see in their reactions that what you tell sounds far from a "usual" relationship, it could be the sign that you have not realised over the time of your relationship that you were caught in something more dramatic and harmful than you think.
Then you might need to seek professional advice and see a therapist, or research in books and online studies about what you’ve experienced to understand it better. If you need to recover from a serious psychologic trauma, you need to understand fully what you were into and get the appropriate psychological support.
Or if you realise the trauma of the break-up is harder to overcome, because you’ve been destroying your own happiness yourself for some reason, if you start to see that you’ve always been attracted by the very wrong type of people, and don’t trust yourself for making a better choice next time, then you might have a difficult psychological pattern or background that needs deeper analysis. Here again I would advice speaking up about these feelings with a professional, to fix what needs to be fixed in yourself, for the happier future you deserve!
Just be honest with your introspection, write down all of your feelings, questions, doubts if you need to… and bring them to someone of good advice! Find support from people who have shared the same challenges. Be brave to admit something might be wrong within you, because that’s the hardest part: after this, with the will to fix it, there’s no reason why you couldn’t!
There are therapy methods to deal with this, and every chance for you to heal your trauma, for a clean and fresh start on your road to happiness!